Being an Outsider

Always feeling left out. Joining communities to form bonds but never seeming to fit in. Having suffered from PTSD and anxiety, getting of medications, one of the conditions my psychiatrist gave me was to actively participate in an activity that i could find a sense of community. Be it religion or a hobby, to form close bonds will help be a preventive first layer of defence for our mental health.

Even between close friends and family, always felt like i was being excluded in some form. In days of schooling and university, i signed up for extra curricular activities. Not getting into specifics, but more than several instances, I was left out of the communication loop that led me to miss out on important dates and information, leading to reprimanding and blame being pushed onto me “never taking the initiative” to “find out”. Early on, my brain recognised this as a pattern and create assumptions that i was always the person on the outside of the social circle. Was i actually being excluded or was I excluding myself?

Exclusion

To me, this photo works great as a photo representation of the feelings of an outsider, uninvited to the fun, and a sense of lonliness.

Similar to the way you would find happiness by “truly appreciating what I have”. I would take the same approach now to how I would navigate being an insider. In my head, I was already an outsider. I chose to embrace that fact. One of the reasons photography fit perfectly to be an interest. Behind the camera, I was never a part of the scene. There was a different kind of enjoyment to be had when looking at scenes i wasn’t a part of, looking at drama i was not a part of. There was personal peace, yet i could glimpse into other people’s spaces.

I am not one to say that acceptance is the most healthy approach to it. What i can say is that this shift in mindset definitely helped me deal with the feelings of being alone. Today, i probably am not alone, it may feel like it, my mind may tell me it is so. Rationally, I know it to not be such.